The professional golfer Adam Scott is looking for a new caddy, and I’d like to recommend my wife Paulette.

Adam Scott is a superb golfer, ranked Number 2 in the world, winner of multiple events on the PGA tour including the Master’s. His most recent caddy, Steve Williams, has gone into semi-retirement, and as expected, Adam has been deluged with folks who want to carry his bag. Several hundred, in fact, including one fellow from Florida who wrote to say he lives with his Mom, but thought caddying for Adam would be lots of fun. So Adam can have his pick of good caddies, but as he’s going through the candidates, I hope he’ll give careful consideration to Paulette.

Here are some things I think recommend Paulette:

Paulette is very good at giving directions, even about things that don’t fall into her areas of expertise. I well remember a trip we took to England a few years ago. I’m behind the wheel of an unfamiliar car, driving on the left-hand side of the road, trying to keep from having a terrible accident. Our daughter Lee is sitting white-knuckled in the passenger seat, being mostly quiet, and Paulette is in the back, giving directions without benefit of map. English drivers appear to be giving us a wide berth, as if there is a neon sign on the hood of the car that says, Dumb American With Directional Wife. Avoid At All Costs. I have a rather severe headache. Paulette is undeterred. Now, is this a strike against Paulette as Adam Scott’s caddy? I think not. Adam Scott is from Australia, he knows how to drive on the left-hand side of the road, and a golf bag is not an automobile. Paulette can bring some decisiveness to Adam’s golf game. “Should I hit a 7-iron or a 6-iron, Paulette?” Without hesitation: “The 6, Adam. And don’t mess up.”

Paulette is a veteran traveler. She has been to Russia, China, Italy, Poland, Israel, England, and France, and most recently, the Czech Republic and Germany. There are golf tournaments in all of those countries, and Adam Scott plays in many of them. Paulette knows how to pack for overseas trips, can count money in foreign currencies, and enjoys sampling local cuisine. She would be a great help to Adam Scott the world traveler. She is good at giving directions in unfamiliar places (see above). She doesn’t speak foreign languages, but she says that the only words you need to know in another country are “Visa” and “Master Card.”
Paulette can ride a Segway – you know, those motorized contraptions that look like a pogo stick with wheels. She learned to ride a Segway on a trip to Israel awhile back, and I think there is the potential here to revolutionize the golf game. I can’t see Paulette toting a heavy golf bag for 18 holes 4 days in a row, but I can easily see her carting Adam’s bag around on a Segway. With her powers of persuasion, I think she could convince the PGA tour to equip caddies with Segways. It would be much easier on the caddies physically and would extend their careers. Plus, it would make great TV.

I hope Adam Scott will hold off making this important decision in his professional life until he has time to consider Paulette’s many fine qualities, including the three mentioned above. I believe he’s ready to take his career to the next level. All he needs is a firm hand, an experienced traveler, and a good Segway driver. Ah, you say, does Paulette know anything about golf? Well, she is fond of saying, “Golf is my friend.” Okay, she means it gets me out of the house. But it’s a start.

Robert Inman's novels -- Home Fires Burning, Old Dogs and Children, Dairy Queen Days, Captain Saturday, and The Governor's Lady, are available on Amazon Kindle e-reader.